Spiritually Mature Disciples Should be Emotionally Mature

Years ago, at a different church, I watched toxic immaturity ruin a ministry. The leader of this particular ministry within our congregation had a temper. He often exploded and yelled when things didn’t go as planned. People who worked in the ministry went to the elders. They asked them to intercede. The elders encouraged him to calm down, but it never seemed to work. I kept thinking that if it was a less socially acceptable sin (like an affair, drunkenness, or even doctrinal error), they would have removed him. But they didn’t. It was a helpful and needed ministry, yet it gradually fell apart because of his unhealthy emotional state. I liked the guy. He loved his family. He read his bible. He served his community. But he was unhealthy emotionally, and his failure to allow the Spirit into that part of his humanity proved toxic. It ruined that ministry and handicapped the entire church. I’ve seen this happen more than once in my life; a church messed up by a lack of emotional health.

Over the winter, I began planning this series on emotional and relational health. Three main books shaped my thinking. Managing Leadership Anxiety by Steve Cuss, Raising Worry Free Girls by Sissy Goff, and Emotionally Healthy Church, by Peter Scazzero (a longtime non-denominational minister in Queens, New York). I’d like to focus on this last book today in the last of our series. Scazzero says this, “Our churches are filled with people who remain emotionally unaware and socially immature.”  I hate to say this, but I think he’s right. I know he’s right about me. I have been guilty of emotional immaturity in my life, even during my time with Acklen. This morning, I want you to know this. This is not a veiled attack on anything or anyone. I don’t have a specific thing or person in mind. I’m not hinting at you or anyone. I see this in my life. I’ve seen it in other churches I’ve been at. I’ve come to this conclusion. I will not reach my potential as a disciple by focusing on spiritual, physical, and intellectual maturity alone. I have to include emotional maturity. I can know all the right stuff, but if I continually foster negative relationship patterns, I’m dishonoring the name of Christ. My witness is not just about my emotional health, but it will not exceed my emotional health. Our church’s witness will never be what it can be if we’re not committed a having a healthy emotional culture. 

This is where we’ve been the last two months on relational health. I preached on Racism, the One and the Many, Being One while Connected to Many, Boundaries of the One and the Many, the Fear Worry Anxiety Continuum, Intrusive Though Loops, and a Realistic Expectation that Life will be Challenging but Meaningful. Today, I want to say this, Spiritually Mature Disciples Should be Emotionally Mature. Scazzero says it likes this. “Emotional health and spiritual maturity are inseparable.  It is not possible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”

Too often, when we think of discipleship, we neglect emotional maturity. We think of other forms of piety and social responsibilities. But, God created us a holistic people, and Jesus asks us to give not just our time or our bodies to God. Jesus asks us to give God our emotions, our emotional health. Luke 10 25 On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 “What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?” 27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ ”28 “You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

We are created as whole people-heart, soul, strength, and mind. As the Spirit moves in us, we should look for holistic fruit, including emotional health. Some have a working definition of a disciples as someone who refrains from bad language, drunkenness, and sexuality immorality while helping the poor. Discipleship is more than that and must include emotional health.

I’ll tell you another story.  Years ago, I knew a church leader who I greatly respect. He was often kind and gentle. He knew the Scriptures. He was passionate about helping the least of these. He took up for the little guy, so to speak.  He helped navigate the church through some difficult times, and he endured some significant challenges in his personal life as well. But, he had a sizeable weakness. He was controlling, and he could be manipulative about getting his way. He had some bully-like tendencies. He could be petty at times, and he had a drive to always win the discussion. I respected him and still do. Yet, he held back that church. From time to time, someone would lovingly confront him. Those efforts were always rebuked. They were the problem, not him. The appropriate pressure was never put on him to think deeply about this great weakness. In the time I knew him, he never changed. His witness as a disciple was never what it could have been. The church was never what it could have been. His emotionally immature leadership held it back.

Scazzero says this, “the overall health of any church or ministry depends primarily on the emotional and spiritual health of its leadership.”  What does this look like? He gives some examples, some of which use different terminology than our culture. 

·      The board member who never says “I was wrong” or “sorry.” 

·      The children’s church leader who constantly criticizes others. 

·      The high-control small group leader who cannot tolerate different points of view. 

·      The middle-aged father of two toddlers who is secretly addicted to pornography. 

·      The thirty-five-year-old husband busily serving in the church, unaware of his wife’s loneliness at home. 

·      The worship leader who interprets any suggestion as a personal attack and personal rejection. 

·      The Sunday school teacher struggling with feeling of bitterness and resentment toward the pastor but afraid to say anything. 

·      The exemplary servant who tirelessly volunteers in four different ministries but rarely takes any personal time to take care of himself or herself. 

·      Two intercessors who use prayer meetings to escape from the painful reality of their marriage. 

·      The people in your small group who are never transparent about their struggles or difficulties.

You’ve been probably seen some of those in practice. If you’ve known me long enough, you’ve seen some of that in me. We can and should be better. I can and should be better.  

I have some good news. By doing church together, we can make each other better. By pursuing the kingdom together, through all the ups and downs, we can make each other better. Scazzero offers this. “While I do believe in the important place of professionally trained Christian counselors to bring expertise to the church, I believe the church of Jesus Christ is to be primary vehicle for our growth in spiritual and emotional maturity.”  Participating in a church, as hard as that is sometimes, is a tool towards health.  Church life gives us practice and support to grow.  As a church, we can get healthy together.

We need to do three main things. First, we need to embrace grace. We need to stop defining ourselves by what we do, but by who we are-who God has made us. We need to stop defining ourselves by our skills and productivity. We need to embrace weakness as Christ did. It’s okay not to be okay. For some, church is the last group of people with whom they can be real. Jesus desires that the church is the first place you can be real. We’ve all messed up. We’ve all made mistakes. We’re gonna let each other down. We’re all recovering sinners. But Jesus loves us anyway. While still in sin, Christ died for the ungodly. Embrace grace. Without it, we’ll try to impress. We’ll resist honesty because it hurts too much. Grace allows us to be honest and ready to cooperate with the Spirit.

Second, we need to reflect. We need to slow down and think. We need to pause and listen. We need to ask hard questions. For some of us, counseling will be part of the process. For others, hours of walks in the neighborhood will be part of the process. If we’re gonna get healthy, we have to be willing to go deeper than we’ve gone before. A major biblical tool for this is the Psalms. When it comes to emotional health, the Psalms offer a treasure trove of resource. As you know, the Psalms don’t always sound right, but they’re always real and honest. You might even say that the Psalms are the heart, the emotion, of the Bible. We see this in cries like “My God My God why have you forsaken me?” and “How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever?” This may be my favorite part of our church using the tool of the lectionary. We read a psalm every week. If you need help reflecting, read a psalm every day.

Reflection is key. To be clear, this isn’t ultimately about you. Scazzero says, “This inward look is not to encourage a self-absorbed introspection that feeds narcissism. The ultimate purpose is to allow the gospel to transform all of you.” We reflect on who we are so we can be healthy for others. We reflect on who we are so we can repent and be who God has made us to be. It’s ultimately not about our desires but about the greatest commands of loving God and others.  As we discussed last week, our flourishing does not come in pursuing life but by laying it down. This is the type of reflection needed for emotional health.

I have to ask some hard questions. Scazzero gives some choices, a series of versus. Which of these describes me? 

·      “I am highly offendable and defensive” vs. “I am approachable and open to input.” 

·      “I give my opinion a lot, even when I’m not asked” vs. “I am slow to speak and quick to listen.”  

·      “I like to control most situations” vs. “I can let go and give people opportunity to earn my trust.” 

·      “I blame others” vs. “I take responsibility for myself and speak mostly in the “I” not the “you” or ‘they” 

·      “I deny, avoid, or withdrawal from painful realities” vs. “I honestly look at the truth underneath the surface, even when it hurts.” 

·      “I have to be right in order to feel strong and good” vs. “I understand that God’s strength reveals itself in admitting mistakes, weaknesses, and statements that I was wrong.”  

None of that is fun. None of that is pleasant. Yet it’s the soul searching required of discipleship.

Third, we need to cooperate with the Spirit. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit enters us at baptism to do the hard work of making us like Jesus. We can resist or cooperate. If we cooperate, we listen to the proddings. We have an open heart and mind. We take advantage of the tools-church life, counseling, confession, repentance, forgiveness, etc.

We’ve talked about a lot of things in these 8 sermons. I’m convinced I’ve not been as emotionally healthy as God wants me to be. I’m convinced that we can get even healthier as a church. In this season, the pandemic, the quest for racial justice, and questions over our common life together have only made all of that more important to me. I don’t know what the future holds for me or for you or for us together. But I do know this. Our emotional health will have a huge impact on our future. May we give God everything-our heart, soul, strength, and mind.