Expect Life to be Challenging but Meaningful

Several years ago, a family member had a new baby.  Due to distance and life circumstances, I didn’t get to see them often, so I eagerly consumed all the pictures they put up on Instagram. Let me tell you. Those pictures were so cute-smiling baby, proud older sibling, doting mother, loving father. Several times a week, they posted on Instagram. I was so happy for them, that they were making all these warm memories. That year around the holidays, I finally got to see them. I expected to find what I’d seen on Instagram. I didn’t. Mom and Dad had a deep sense of fatigue. Smiles were rare. The older sibling had little to no interest in the baby, and the baby herself was really, really fussy. As I chatted, the mom told me how incredibly challenging the last year had been. I responded, “I’m so sorry to hear that. I’d just seen you on Instagram, and everything seemed to be going great.”  Without missing a beat, she responded, “that’s Instagram. This is real life.”

This describes the situation of modern life. We have the means to offer a highly curated image. We have the power to tell our own stories. But we tend to exaggerate, to polish. When we do, we ratchet up expectations.  Because we can, we should. Because we should, we will, and when we don’t, we fake it. We write in pen, not pencil…makes it hard to erase, to adjust.  Our expectations are out of control, even unrealistic. For many, the increase in expectations had led to a decrease in life satisfaction.

Last month, we Zoomed with Emily and Jason, our missionaries in Tanzania. Eventually, the conversation turned to COVID-19 and how Tanzanians were responding. This is one thing I remember Jason saying. “Tanzanians don’t have an expectation of being in control, so they’re concerned but not surprised.”  I found this telling. To be sure, they’re not ignoring the very real threat. But they don’t believe something uniquely unfair has happened to them. They never expected to be in control anyway.

What do you expect to happen in life?  What are your expectations?  Unrealistic expectations can negatively shape your life experience. Consider what it’s like to see a new movie with low expectations?  You’re pleasantly surprised when it’s good. You feel like you got a bargain. Consider seeing a movie with high expectations? Everyone is talking about how amazing it is. When it turns out to be average, even above average, you’re disappointed. This is how expectations work.

At several key moments in my life, I realized my expectations were out of whack. Often, I look at life in the West and wonder, “are these accurate expectations?” I reflect on Christian practice in America and wonder if we need to adjust our expectations?  At first instinct, it feels threatening to adjust our expectations. But I’m convinced healthy expectations leads to more flourishing and fulfilment.

No one embraced the counter intuitive aspect of expectations more than Jesus. This is a passage we look at every year, and while we’re considering relational and emotional health, I wanted to bring it to the conversation.  While Jesus walked the earth, he encountered this expectation of the Messiah. The coming king would reign in a way that led to immediate material and physical gain for himself and all his followers. The reign of the Messiah would involve total peace and prosperity.  Jesus both embraces and tweaks this. Yes, he will bring peace and prosperity, but not in the way or time people expect. His peace is not of this world, and his prosperity is not measured in bank accounts. Instead, Jesus offers a counter intuitive expectation for the flourishing path. This is it. Don’t run from sacrifice. Pursue it, and meaning will come on the other side.

Matthew 16:21-28 21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. 22 Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” 23 Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.” 24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. 26 What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come in his Father’s glory with his angels, and then he will reward each person according to what they have done. 28 “Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Life, true life, is found by taking up the cross. The challenge of the cross involves self-denial and self-sacrifice. It’s really hard at times. That’s not the idea of life that many of us have. Yet, Jesus says it leads to life. Do we trust him? Peter struggled to trust. In fact, in this passage, Peter wants to correct Jesus. Stop this talk of challenging crosses. Peter wants Jesus to conform to his expectations. Instead, Jesus conforms Peter to his expectations. If we have any doubt about that, Jesus quells it by referring to Peter as Satan. Peter’s expectation of zero sacrifice and quick fixes shows up in Satan’s temptation of Jesus in Matthew 4. Turn the stones to bread. Bow down to me and get it all now. Jump off the temple and make a show. Peter and Satan like these expectations. Jesus shows us something better, though.

Pursue the path of self-sacrifice and quit trying to gain the whole world. Give up the world’s definition of the good life. Life does not come from seeking it but by letting it go.  Giving up our desired life ironically leads to a life of meaning. Consider your expectations. I think of mine, and I ask a hard question. Will I allow Jesus to shape my expectations?

Life in the kingdom is challenging but meaningful. This should be our expectation. Life will have challenges, but because of Jesus, life will have meaning. You will have challenges. You will have meaning. This contrasts with two life philosophies which continue to show up. In ancient times, a group known as the Epicureans placed the meaning of life in the pursuit of pleasure. To them, life is about pleasure. Maximize comfort. Minimize discomfort. It’s an ancient philosophy but still shows up today. Imagine how they would have loved air conditioning and bug repellent. Many Christians today fall for this pursuit of pleasure. Let me be clear. I’m suggesting we pursue hardship and suffering. I’m not suggesting you can’t enjoy a cup of coffee or a hot shower. The emphasis lies in where you find your meaning. Jesus places meaning in sacrifice. The Epicureans put it in pleasure.

We see another life philosophy at work as well. For a variety of reasons, life in this world is hard. Because of poverty, sickness, and various forms of alienation, many face huge challenges.  These hardships and suffering can cloud our search for meaning. Some of these respond by suggesting life has no meaning. We normally think of this life philosophy as nihilism. It’s an extreme form of skepticism which questions if life has meaning. 

In many ways, we continue to see these philosophies at work today. Many see the purpose of life as pleasure. Others, when pleasure seems elusive or unfulfilling, conclude that life has no meaning. We should see how the Christian faith distinguishes itself from these views Life will be challenging, but life has meaning. In fact, the meaning often comes on the other side of the challenge of self-sacrifice.

In Christ, this should be our expectations. Life is hard, but God is with us. Life is challenging, yet life has meaning.  When you have the wrong expectations, things can go awry. I spent some time processing this about five years ago.  I went through a season of frustration with my family of origin. I expected more from them, specifically frequency and level of connection. I had a vision of what our relationship should be, and when my expectation wasn’t met, I grew really sad. One day on the phone, my mother suggested another approach. Expect less. Lower your expectations. At first, this frustrated me. It felt like an uncomfortable compromise. I wanted to keep pushing myself and my family to meet my vision of family. But my expectations were stifling others and hurting myself. My mom was right. I went through a season of sacrificing my expectations. It was hard, but a funny thing happened. Lowering expectations led to an increase of joy with my family.  The wrong expectations hurt me.

Here’s a story I heard from a friend in counseling. A family was concerned about their teenage son. He’d been sitting in his room listening to music for two weeks. He hadn’t come out much at all. He wasn’t talking much and hadn’t touched his normal hobbies much. So they took him to a counselor and suggested he needed to be medicated. After the parents left, the counselor simply asked the teenage boy. “So what’s going on?” “My girlfriend broke up with me.” “How long had you been dating?” “Just over a year.” “How you doing with that?” “I’m really sad. It hurts” The counselor just looked at him and said, “I’m sorry about that. Being sad sounds right.”  After the session, the counselor told the parents. I’m happy to keep seeing him, but his response to his situation seems normal. Then he listed a range of behaviors which would be concerning and problematic. But listening to sad music in your room after a breakup is about right.  Now to be clear, I’m a huge fan of counseling. I believe prescribed medications taken correctly and wisely can be helpful.  Still, I tell this to show the power of expectations. When you go through a hard time, you should expect to be sad.

So quickly, I want to mention some specific expectations. In life, we should expect this… You should expect people to do bad things. We are all sinners. On the other hand, you should expect even people that seem really bad to have some good in them. We are all image bearers. Expect humans to be a mixed bag of good and evil, sinner and saint. You should expect ups and downs, good days and bad. You should expect to have some deep pain at some point in your life, just as you should expect to have some deep joy. You’re going to have some wins and losses, some successes and failures. You’ll find jobs and lose jobs, date people and get dumped. You’ll make some A’s and fail some tests. It will happen. 

You should expect relationships to be challenging because people are challenging. Expect marriage to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect parenting to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect the pursuit of education to be hard, but it’s worth it.  Expect taking care of aging parents to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect growing up to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect family to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect church to be hard, but it’s worth it. Expect the pursuit of a just society to be hard but worth it. Expect life to have meaning but expect for that meaning to seem cloudy at times. You will likely not find meaning in everything you do. I find great meaning in my life, but when I’m cleaning toilets or unloading the dishwasher, I don’t expect to have a transcendent sensation of meaning.

I want to add something that comes from Goff’s book, “Raising Worry Free Girls.” She shows us that opportunity becomes expectation. We have lots of opportunities, and those opportunities can solidify into impossible expectations. We see this in men, but personally, I see this even more in women. Thankfully, opportunities for women have grown in recent decades, but that can put a lot of pressure on a person. Know this. Whether female or male, you can’t do it all. You can’t. Your expectations should reflect that you can’t do it all. You can’t have a clean house straight out of Pottery Barn, always respectful and obedient children, a thriving growing career, a marriage with no lulls, countless family moments perfect for Instagram, plenty of social time for family and friends, a significant volunteer niche in the community, and time to piddle in your backyard garden. Maybe you’ll get all of that at different times, but you can’t have it all at once.   If your expectations are unrealistic, consider lowering them.

I’ll close with this. We should expect society to have a global health challenge from time to time. History has taught us this. It’s part of living in a fallen world. Sickness, this side of heaven, will happen. We should expect to battle sickness and to ultimately die. We don’t like it, but it’s true. Lastly though, we should expect to have meaning in the face of life’s challenges and to come back from the dead because of Jesus. I expect a challenging life, but I expect a meaningful life. And when it’s over, I expect to live forever. This is what Jesus has taught us to expect. 

Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. 25 For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.