What I Learned Turning 40
A few years ago, I turned 40. In our culture, the average life span is about 80, so statistically, I’m halfway. I’m at midlife. Have you seen people around 40 act a bit odd? I remember my dad started running in his early to mid 40s. I remember teasing him for the bright and flashy running clothes he would wear. But then, around the time I turned 40, my kids began teasing me for my retro Vancouver Grizzlies shorts, my ballcap collection, and my dad pics, dad jokes, and dad cargo shorts. (As an aside, I refuse to apologize for pockets.) In midlife, some people suddenly dive into a new hobby or rediscover an interest from childhood. Some suddenly quit their jobs even though they had a really good job. Some suddenly quit their marriages even though it looked on the outside that it was going well. Some suddenly quit or make huge changes to their spiritual beliefs and practices. Sometimes, these changes seem healthy. Sometimes, they seem incredibly selfish, even narcissistic.
I knew a guy who worked 80 hours a week. One day, realized he didn’t know his kids. He walked in and quit his job to spend more time with his family. He didn’t even know what he was going to do next. I knew a woman who worked as a stay-at-home mom. One day, she realized she had never made any time for herself. She thought of all the dreams she had left behind. She left her husband and children to pursue the career she had always wanted. Those are extreme examples for sure. Mostly, I’ve seen friends and family members ask a lot of questions and makes some big changes ranging from exercise to diet to work life to hobbies to faith. We think of this mainly for people in their 40s, but I’ve seen this type of thing in people as young as twenties all the way up to seventies.
There are two main scripts for a midlife crisis. Script 1 – I chased my dreams and found success, but it didn’t bring fulfillment. I wanted something. I pursued it. I got it. I tasted victory. But it didn’t taste as good as I thought. I remember my first experience with this. I wanted to make the middle school basketball team. I got cut from the team in 7th grade. I worked so hard for a year, and I made the team in 8th grade. And I was really happy…for about a week. Then, I was frustrated that I wasn’t getting to play as much as I wanted. I wasn’t as good as I wanted to be. That’s when I first figured out the elusiveness of contentment. Have you been there?
In high school you wanted to be a doctor or engineer or writer. You went to school to study for that. You did all the internships. You did all the low-level positions. You worked your way up, and you got your dream - only to realize it didn’t bring you true fulfillment. You wanted to get married, maybe even have kids. You did all the dating websites and apps and awkward first dates. You went through all the highs and lows, and you found someone and got married. And then it was hard. You worked on it. You endured. But 20-25 years in, it’s not what you thought it would be. You thought your spouse would understand you more. You thought your spouse would make more money. You thought your spouse would be more interested in sex. You thought your kids would be more obedient. You thought you’d live in a nicer house. You got what you always wanted, but then when you got it, it wasn’t what you thought it would be. It’s uncomfortable to say it out loud. It may seem wrong to say it. But I know that many have thought this. You identified a goal. You met the goal. But it’s not what you thought it would be. Now what?
It reminds me of the words of Ecclesiastes. I think of this section from chapter 2, which does include some immoral deeds. Still, it illustrates the idea of the elusiveness of satisfaction. Ecclesiastes 2:3 I wanted to see what was good for people to do under the heavens during the few days of their lives. 4 I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem as well—the delights of a man’s heart. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me. 10 I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my labor, and this was the reward for all my toil. 11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.
Have you had that experience? You chased a dream. You achieved it, but it didn’t bring you meaning. Instead, it all seemed so meaningless.
There’s another script at work in midlife. Script 2- I thought my life would be better than this, and now time is running out. Unlike the previous group, this group never accomplished the dream. This group sacrificed the dream for something else. They sacrificed their desires for others, but it hasn’t worked out like they thought it would. They gave up their chosen career for family, but their family life is not what they hoped it would be. They gave up having a family for their career, but now their career is not what they thought it would be.
This is the stay-at-home parent who looks around and wonders, “where did I lose myself in all of this?” This is the successful executive who missed their kid’s piano recital or maybe chose to never have kids and now finds themselves driving slowly past little league ballfields wondering what might have been.
This is the person who chose to be a schoolteacher and wakes up 20 years in thinking, “I always wanted to open a restaurant. Why didn’t I?” It’s the 40-year-old accountant who wonders, “Is it too late to go to nursing school?” For some reason at some point, you laid some stuff to the side, and now you’re wondering, “do I have time to go back?”
This is also the group that met tragedy-cancer, death of a loved one, financial woes, or broken relationships. This is not how they thought it would be. I think of Joseph in prison. I think of Daniel in the Lion’s Den. Surely, both were thinking, “this is not how I thought my life would go, and will it ever be different?” I think of the women in the Old Testament who got caught in painful, vengeful cycles of jealousy and child rearing amidst polygamy. I think of Hagar. I think of Leah. I think of Hannah. Certainly, they all were thinking, “this is not how my life would go, and will it ever get better?”
These are the two scripts. Script 1 – I chased my dreams and found success, but it didn’t bring fulfillment. Script 2- I thought my life would be better than this, and now time is running out. I’ve spent several years contemplating midlife. I’ve read books and listened to podcasts. I’ve talked to mentors and thought leaders. How do we process midlife? How do we come out on the other side faithful to Jesus? In my life, 3 reflections and 3 practices have been essential.
These 3 reflections all take the form of a versus statement. They all take the form of a continuum so to speak. Reflection #1. Self-care vs. Selfishness. I see this come up all the time. Often, I hear this, “You need to be healthy to be healthy for others.” I think there’s a lot of truth in that. I also hear, “I took care of others, but now I need to take care of myself.” Sometimes, I hear that and agree. Sometimes I don’t. Jesus calls us to lay down our lives for others. Yet Jesus models a way of living that values the agency of others. I think we need to practice self-care. I see Jesus doing that in his ministry. But I think there’s a fine line between self-care and selfishness. I can’t discern that in someone else’s life. Still, I know that in my life, I have to carefully discern when I need to stop and take care of myself, and when that might just be an excuse to not help someone. Self-care is biblical. Jesus practiced it. At some point, healthy self-care can become selfishness. I try to stay vigilant on that.
Reflection #2. Successful vs. Faithful. I think of this all the time. I want to be successful. I want to be successful at everything I’m a part of. I want my family to be successful, my church, my friends, and my city. I want to get the most out of opportunities and potential. I think it’s good to work hard and get the most out of our abilities through the Spirit. But pursuing success is different than pursuing faithfulness. Success fixates on outcome. Faithfulness does not. Consider Jesus. On one hand, we consider him successful. He accomplished his mission of the cross and resurrection. But on the other hand, he was not wealthy. His own people wanted to kill him. His own disciples ran when he needed them most. From the world’s standard of success, he appears unsuccessful. But no one can argue if he was faithful. Agree or disagree with him, he was faithful to his mission. I have found that there’s a subtle but important distinction between success and faithfulness. More than successful, I believe we’re called to faithfulness. More than anything, that’s what I want for my life, my family, and my church.
Reflection #3. Running from something vs. Running to something. What is the direction of your life? Where are you going? As you think about the direction, is it moving away from something or towards something? Some people spend their whole lives running from the past, running from their parents’ expectations, running from harmful religious experiences, running from abuse and trauma, and running from disappointment. Running from something or someone involves a lot of fear and anxiety. But running to something is different. Other people spend their time running towards their hope for the future, running towards their dreams, running towards what God has called them to, and running towards joy and mission. This one can be tricky, but I invite you to spend some time with it. Sitting in this question has helped me a lot.
Beyond these 3 reflections, 3 practices have helped me considerably as I’ve wrestled with midlife issues. First, I seek to demonstrate vulnerability. This includes humility and transparency. Be honest about what is going on in your life. Your thoughts and actions-tell the truth about them. Practice being completely honest with a close friend, mentor, family member, or counselor. I’ve done all of those. As I’ve watched people fall apart in midlife compared to those who have gotten stronger, vulnerability is key. Be careful about who you share with, though. This isn’t a social media type of thing. This isn’t for everyone. Choose your confidants carefully and wisely, but make sure you have someone.
Second, devote yourself to reflection. Our lives often move at a frantic pace of busyness. We fill our lives with the constant noise of news, entertainment, and social media. Dedicate time to silence and solitude. I remember what a mentor said to me years ago, “JP if God spoke to you, would your life be too noisy for you to hear?” Devote yourself to the consistent practice of reflection. I spend time reflecting on those 3 things I just mentioned. I spend a lot of time reflecting on the Bible and spiritual teaching and truths. Self-reflection breaks the power of self-deception. A common thread among those who make poor choices in midlife is lack of reflection.
Third, pursue companionship. Resist isolation. Solitude is a good practice but an unwise lifestyle. We need each other. We need friends. We need other Christians to do life with. We need companions for vulnerability and reflection. We need companions to share hobbies, good food, and laughter. We need people who we can be silly and carefree with. The older you get, the more complicated it can be to make friends. I marvel at young children. They often make friends so easily. The older you get, for many, that gets harder and harder. Especially coming out of the isolation of the pandemic, I encourage you to make time for friendship. When I think of those I’ve known who have experienced midlife turmoil, the lack of these practices oftens looms large. They put on a front. They were not vulnerable. They were busy and distracted. They did not reflect. They lived in isolation. They did not do life with companions.
Consider the scripts you’ve been following. You have a choice in this. No matter your age…Fulfillment is possible. You have time left. Make it count.
